Today I came here to look at my old blogs and realised it's been 5 years so I posted anything. I have started several posts and left them as drafts but never returned to finish them. I'm afraid I have been sideswiped by fibromyalgia and 2 very energetic children and I cannot seem to clear my brains long enough to write anything coherent. Hopefully I'll be back soon but I cannot make any promises. There was an interesting article I wanted to discuss tonight but I think I'll just post the URL and let everyone read the comments there, there are great comments. I think it's something important for us to think about. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dennis-w-zotigh/do-american-indians-celebrate-thanksgiving_b_2160786.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl12%7Csec1_lnk3&pLid=236848&src=sp&comm_ref=false
Friday, November 23, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2007
About My Posts
I wanted to post a little explanation about what these posts are about. These posts are about getting people to think about events that are going on in our society. They are to make us think and ask ourselves what we think the most fair solution is.
I feel it should be each and everyone one of ours goal to be as fair as possible in life. It makes for a wonderful society and is easy to do. Fate may not be fair, but humans can be when they try.
Kindness is the best gift we can give each other and discussing social incidents will give us the best tools to determine what is the kindest solution.
I feel it should be each and everyone one of ours goal to be as fair as possible in life. It makes for a wonderful society and is easy to do. Fate may not be fair, but humans can be when they try.
Kindness is the best gift we can give each other and discussing social incidents will give us the best tools to determine what is the kindest solution.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Judgement errors will cost you your job
A group of firefighters face theft allegations over filling up a person's pool from the hydrant while on duty.
http://newsdaily.com/Quirks/UPI-1-20070621-16020200-bc-us-hydrant.xml
Now I most certainly understand the counties position on this, but can't anyone just presume this was just an error in judgement and stop trying to take them down for this? There's another article out there on the internet about how they could be facing charges as well as dereliction of duty charges.
Why are we criminalizing everything? What happened to a very stern warning and a note in the file about a serious lack of judgement? Is management so ineffectual these days that everything has to be criminalized and people prosecuted for an error in judgement?
If indeed there is proof of collusion that the firefighters did indeed have the intent to steal the water, then sure maybe they should be punished legally, but I can understand if it was all in a bit of fun and a copycat act from Extreme Home Makeover. Also, it would be easy for them to think of the water as not being a real cost, after all they come by and flush the hydrants all the time and watch that water go wasting away down the street.
I have a huge problem with employers and government taking such severe actions with employees over errors in judgement. They are talking about firing the men and sending them to jail. Will they ever work again in a decent paying job after that? How will they get by with a criminal record? Is this really in the best interest of the people on the whole?
Many employers no longer provide proper management or training duties. They wont hire you unless you're already trained, they expect you to do your work and make a sound judgement every time under every circumstance.
I've had friends and acquaintances who have been fired and denied unemployment for errors in judgement. This is the CEO model. CEO's get paid big bucks to make all the decisions and then get canned when they mess up (unless they have good friends). Of course they usually still have stock options and a huge separation package, while the average employee gets denied their unemployment.
I knew someone who's supervisor and manager had quit or transfered to other departments. She did the best she could. She had to balance the welfare of the company with the proper customer service for both the customers and the vendors. There was no one for her to ask questions of and no one to help. She erred on the side of customer service and the company complained to her she was costing them too much money. When she erred on the side of the companies bottom line, they told her she as losing them customers. Finally they had a big disagreement on what was the right way to handle a situation and she argued with them that their position would leave them open to liability and was against anything the company would have ever done before. So they fired her for insubordination because she wouldn't do as requested until she was sure they had heard her out. And they denied her unemployment benefits. In my state the employee pays for 80% of the unemployment insurance, so I find that just wrong.
Another friend made an error in judgement and the boss thought it was done on purpose and made sure the friend was fired for lying. He wasn't lying and unfortunately he forgot to cover his behind in the incident. He was used to working for reasonable people and never figured they would accuse him of lying. All the boss had to do was explain to him that he had made error in judgement to do what he did and ask him to take different action the next time, but the Boss had an axe to grind so my friend was fired.
Every employer wants you to walk in trained and expect you to always make perfect decisions. Then they fire you when you don't. Let's learn to manage our employees again and properly train them on what to do next time instead of destroying them when they mess up.
Let's give people the benefit of the doubt that maybe they just made an error in judgement before we take them down. We let pedophiles have another chance, let's let ordinary people have another chance when it comes to mistakes made in the line of employment.
http://newsdaily.com/Quirks/UPI-1-20070621-16020200-bc-us-hydrant.xml
Now I most certainly understand the counties position on this, but can't anyone just presume this was just an error in judgement and stop trying to take them down for this? There's another article out there on the internet about how they could be facing charges as well as dereliction of duty charges.
Why are we criminalizing everything? What happened to a very stern warning and a note in the file about a serious lack of judgement? Is management so ineffectual these days that everything has to be criminalized and people prosecuted for an error in judgement?
If indeed there is proof of collusion that the firefighters did indeed have the intent to steal the water, then sure maybe they should be punished legally, but I can understand if it was all in a bit of fun and a copycat act from Extreme Home Makeover. Also, it would be easy for them to think of the water as not being a real cost, after all they come by and flush the hydrants all the time and watch that water go wasting away down the street.
I have a huge problem with employers and government taking such severe actions with employees over errors in judgement. They are talking about firing the men and sending them to jail. Will they ever work again in a decent paying job after that? How will they get by with a criminal record? Is this really in the best interest of the people on the whole?
Many employers no longer provide proper management or training duties. They wont hire you unless you're already trained, they expect you to do your work and make a sound judgement every time under every circumstance.
I've had friends and acquaintances who have been fired and denied unemployment for errors in judgement. This is the CEO model. CEO's get paid big bucks to make all the decisions and then get canned when they mess up (unless they have good friends). Of course they usually still have stock options and a huge separation package, while the average employee gets denied their unemployment.
I knew someone who's supervisor and manager had quit or transfered to other departments. She did the best she could. She had to balance the welfare of the company with the proper customer service for both the customers and the vendors. There was no one for her to ask questions of and no one to help. She erred on the side of customer service and the company complained to her she was costing them too much money. When she erred on the side of the companies bottom line, they told her she as losing them customers. Finally they had a big disagreement on what was the right way to handle a situation and she argued with them that their position would leave them open to liability and was against anything the company would have ever done before. So they fired her for insubordination because she wouldn't do as requested until she was sure they had heard her out. And they denied her unemployment benefits. In my state the employee pays for 80% of the unemployment insurance, so I find that just wrong.
Another friend made an error in judgement and the boss thought it was done on purpose and made sure the friend was fired for lying. He wasn't lying and unfortunately he forgot to cover his behind in the incident. He was used to working for reasonable people and never figured they would accuse him of lying. All the boss had to do was explain to him that he had made error in judgement to do what he did and ask him to take different action the next time, but the Boss had an axe to grind so my friend was fired.
Every employer wants you to walk in trained and expect you to always make perfect decisions. Then they fire you when you don't. Let's learn to manage our employees again and properly train them on what to do next time instead of destroying them when they mess up.
Let's give people the benefit of the doubt that maybe they just made an error in judgement before we take them down. We let pedophiles have another chance, let's let ordinary people have another chance when it comes to mistakes made in the line of employment.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Use caution with online payments & billing
Every day I get a new letter from one of my creditors or the bank requesting that I stop receiving paper bills and receive them online. I don't feel it's safe to stop receiving paper bills for everything. Why? Because i don't trust the credit card companies mostly and I don't trust any other possible errors. More than once my credit card has suddenly switched it's terms on me and I've had the paper to prove what my previous terms were.
There also are several manipulations that companies pull when you sign up to pay online. My mortgage company wont send statements now. There's a disclaimer when you pay online that you agree to stop receiving statements, period. They wont even send them online, I have to remember to log into their website and do it every month. They also charge me a user fee if I don't pay it 5 days before it's due. The user fee goes up for every period of time I pay late. It's $3 if I dont pay 5 days before due. It's more than that if I pay the day it's due and it's over $10 if I pay the bill late. That is on top of the late charges they charge me. I've resolved the issue by using my banks bill pay system. It's not the best system, but since I already pay for my checking account, it's at no additional charge.
Another thing to be aware of is sly user agreements. I was signing up to pay one of my credit cards online because it had been purchased by one of the gigantic card companies and I couldn't use the old online payment system any longer. I am signing up and the user agreement pops up. I read it carefully and it only contained the usual so I clicked on the 'accept' button. Then a second user agreement comes up. The second agreement contains a bunch of waivers. They don't say they are waivers, but if you know your consumer rights, they are a bunch of agreements that are asking you to waive all of your consumer rights. It stated things like, "I agree to binding arbitration from an arbitrator of the banks choosing. I agree to pay this bill under any and all circumstances even under bankruptcy and I agree to pay any and all charges made on this bill even if they are fraudulent." These are all things that go against our consumer rights. Some states don't allow these user agreements to be binding if they conflict with state law, but some do.
One more caution about using online billing is that you don't have a paper copy to prove your case. I enjoy watching the court shows and many times they have brought in a home print out of their bill, checking account or other account and the judge has stated, "how do I know this hasn't been tampered with?" It is almost impossible to get some companies to send you a paper copy and copies can cost you a lot in fees. Also, some companies may take MONTHS to send you the documentation and when you receive it, it may be illegible or in some strange format that only their accountants would be able to understand. If you need to go to court or prove something for your credit record or collections, you might find yourself in a pickle if you have nothing but self printed copies to show.
There also are several manipulations that companies pull when you sign up to pay online. My mortgage company wont send statements now. There's a disclaimer when you pay online that you agree to stop receiving statements, period. They wont even send them online, I have to remember to log into their website and do it every month. They also charge me a user fee if I don't pay it 5 days before it's due. The user fee goes up for every period of time I pay late. It's $3 if I dont pay 5 days before due. It's more than that if I pay the day it's due and it's over $10 if I pay the bill late. That is on top of the late charges they charge me. I've resolved the issue by using my banks bill pay system. It's not the best system, but since I already pay for my checking account, it's at no additional charge.
Another thing to be aware of is sly user agreements. I was signing up to pay one of my credit cards online because it had been purchased by one of the gigantic card companies and I couldn't use the old online payment system any longer. I am signing up and the user agreement pops up. I read it carefully and it only contained the usual so I clicked on the 'accept' button. Then a second user agreement comes up. The second agreement contains a bunch of waivers. They don't say they are waivers, but if you know your consumer rights, they are a bunch of agreements that are asking you to waive all of your consumer rights. It stated things like, "I agree to binding arbitration from an arbitrator of the banks choosing. I agree to pay this bill under any and all circumstances even under bankruptcy and I agree to pay any and all charges made on this bill even if they are fraudulent." These are all things that go against our consumer rights. Some states don't allow these user agreements to be binding if they conflict with state law, but some do.
One more caution about using online billing is that you don't have a paper copy to prove your case. I enjoy watching the court shows and many times they have brought in a home print out of their bill, checking account or other account and the judge has stated, "how do I know this hasn't been tampered with?" It is almost impossible to get some companies to send you a paper copy and copies can cost you a lot in fees. Also, some companies may take MONTHS to send you the documentation and when you receive it, it may be illegible or in some strange format that only their accountants would be able to understand. If you need to go to court or prove something for your credit record or collections, you might find yourself in a pickle if you have nothing but self printed copies to show.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
I hate Flickr
Alright this post is only for Yahoo who shut down their comments on the subject because there were too many. You forced me to move all my photos over to Flickr and flickr does not explain anything. It's all supposed to be intuitive, you click on things and then you figure out how it works. I find this annoying. I like instructions on my pages, unlike many other people, I can read just fine.
I also hate the fact that I cant figure out how to set my photos so that they are only viewable to who I want them to to be viewable to. And a lot of objects post everything publicly or at least to other flickr users. I dont want to allow all my personal information to be viewable to everyone. I have no interest in posting to the world my age or where I live or my email adress.
So thank you yahoo for removing yahoo photos, which was still a pain because you couldnt link to it via my-yahoo, to moving to flickr, I promise I'll download my photos soon and delete them off flickr and delete my account.
I also hate the fact that I cant figure out how to set my photos so that they are only viewable to who I want them to to be viewable to. And a lot of objects post everything publicly or at least to other flickr users. I dont want to allow all my personal information to be viewable to everyone. I have no interest in posting to the world my age or where I live or my email adress.
So thank you yahoo for removing yahoo photos, which was still a pain because you couldnt link to it via my-yahoo, to moving to flickr, I promise I'll download my photos soon and delete them off flickr and delete my account.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Bad Parenting Alert!
First I'm going to say that I know I'm not the worlds best parent. I really suck at it sometimes. However, I do teach my kid to be responsible for his behavior and that he has to pay the consequences of his actions.
This parent however, feels differently.
After having considerable difficulties with a group of 4 kids traveling unattended on the train, train officials decided to give the kids to the local police to attend to after they were accused of stealing an Ipod from another passenger. According to Amtrak, the Ipod was returned to the rightful owner, which to me, shows that they accused the correct people in the incident.
The father of the children is seeking suit against Amtrak. He feels like it was child endangerment to scare the children by pulling them off the train in the middle of the night and placing them in police custody. The children were not jailed. They were placed in a conference room. The parent also stated that he didn't think there was anything the kids could have done that would have been justifiable to kick them off the train. I guess petty theft doesn't count in his book.
I'm sure it will be much better for the children when they are locked up in Juvenile Detention as they get a bit older and carry on in the same fashion.
So my note to the parent: this is supposed to be a learning experience for the kids. You should be telling them how lucky they are not to be booked in Juvenile Hall. You should also tell them that it could be even worse. When adults cause problems on the train, they can be dropped off in the middle of nowhere. They should be forced to imagine how much fun that would be. This is your chance to nip this in the bud and get them on their way towards being responsible for their behavior. Give it a try. Otherwise it is likely to be you that is robbed and likely beaten as this kids grow into gangsters.
see the article at
http://newsdaily.com/
Quirks/UPI-1-20070724-12152700-bc-us-tossed-crn.xml
sorry about that link, i'm having problems getting blogger to show it all.
someone save us from those kids
This parent however, feels differently.
After having considerable difficulties with a group of 4 kids traveling unattended on the train, train officials decided to give the kids to the local police to attend to after they were accused of stealing an Ipod from another passenger. According to Amtrak, the Ipod was returned to the rightful owner, which to me, shows that they accused the correct people in the incident.
The father of the children is seeking suit against Amtrak. He feels like it was child endangerment to scare the children by pulling them off the train in the middle of the night and placing them in police custody. The children were not jailed. They were placed in a conference room. The parent also stated that he didn't think there was anything the kids could have done that would have been justifiable to kick them off the train. I guess petty theft doesn't count in his book.
I'm sure it will be much better for the children when they are locked up in Juvenile Detention as they get a bit older and carry on in the same fashion.
So my note to the parent: this is supposed to be a learning experience for the kids. You should be telling them how lucky they are not to be booked in Juvenile Hall. You should also tell them that it could be even worse. When adults cause problems on the train, they can be dropped off in the middle of nowhere. They should be forced to imagine how much fun that would be. This is your chance to nip this in the bud and get them on their way towards being responsible for their behavior. Give it a try. Otherwise it is likely to be you that is robbed and likely beaten as this kids grow into gangsters.
see the article at
http://newsdaily.com/
Quirks/UPI-1-20070724-12152700-bc-us-tossed-crn.xml
sorry about that link, i'm having problems getting blogger to show it all.
someone save us from those kids
Sunday, July 1, 2007
are you asking the right questions?
Yesterday I read an article about a woman who was upset because her boyfriend hadn't yet bought her an engagement ring after 8 months of living together and what I guess is about 5 or 6 months of engagement because he works too much. The columnist told her that either she was feeling the loves man or not and a bauble wouldn't change things. Although I agree with the columnist that really it comes down to what she thinks this man feels, I thought the columnist left out a lot of questions that the woman should ask herself before continuing on in her path.
1. does she feel left out because he works too much?
2. did he promise to buy her a ring by a certain date?
3. had he made empty promises to buy the ring and hadn't yet?
4. had she asked him why he was waiting? was he just waiting for the perfect time that was never going to come because he was much too career oriented or was it now a game or power play between them?
5. had he proposed merely to keep her around?
These were the questions she should have been reminded to ask herself and search her soul for her answers.
The sad thing about living together is that things don't change once you get married. What ever you agree to when you move in, is generally how things go once you get married, that or the other person suddenly pushes you for change once you tie the knot. Either situation is profoundly difficult. When you move in with someone it's frequently with lowered expectations or the understanding that everything is 'temporary' until you get married. The problem is that habits are hard to undo.
Once you agree to date and move in with a work-aholic, good luck getting that person to change once you tie the knot. You've already agreed that it's OK to date the person, continue to date the person, move in and you've agreed to get married, so you must be OK with how things are. This is the important situation that the engaged woman should have been reminded of.
She should have been asked if she was happy with the way things were, and if not was she willing to get married if things remained the same.
I thought the reply by the columnist just wasn't very helpful for the circumstances and I always wonder why people don't ask themselves better questions when they are planning marriage.
1. does she feel left out because he works too much?
2. did he promise to buy her a ring by a certain date?
3. had he made empty promises to buy the ring and hadn't yet?
4. had she asked him why he was waiting? was he just waiting for the perfect time that was never going to come because he was much too career oriented or was it now a game or power play between them?
5. had he proposed merely to keep her around?
These were the questions she should have been reminded to ask herself and search her soul for her answers.
The sad thing about living together is that things don't change once you get married. What ever you agree to when you move in, is generally how things go once you get married, that or the other person suddenly pushes you for change once you tie the knot. Either situation is profoundly difficult. When you move in with someone it's frequently with lowered expectations or the understanding that everything is 'temporary' until you get married. The problem is that habits are hard to undo.
Once you agree to date and move in with a work-aholic, good luck getting that person to change once you tie the knot. You've already agreed that it's OK to date the person, continue to date the person, move in and you've agreed to get married, so you must be OK with how things are. This is the important situation that the engaged woman should have been reminded of.
She should have been asked if she was happy with the way things were, and if not was she willing to get married if things remained the same.
I thought the reply by the columnist just wasn't very helpful for the circumstances and I always wonder why people don't ask themselves better questions when they are planning marriage.
Love old furniture
I have this huge old solid wood desk that I just love. My spouse however, has reservations about it. But I wont part with it. It's solid, sturdy, had wonderful proper sized drawers and a large work top. It's repairable and refinishable; you can't say that about todays particle board furniture.
In our never ending quest to make cheaper and cheaper furniture so that people can afford to always buy something new, we've lost the benefits of keeping a hold of good things. Keeping a hold of my nice old desk keeps another tree from being cut down, not buying a new desk prevents more engery, time and toxic waste from being generated by making a new one out of particle board.
Love your old furniture and have it repaired rather than dumping it. And should the time come that it is beyond your repair, give it away on craigslist.org.
In our never ending quest to make cheaper and cheaper furniture so that people can afford to always buy something new, we've lost the benefits of keeping a hold of good things. Keeping a hold of my nice old desk keeps another tree from being cut down, not buying a new desk prevents more engery, time and toxic waste from being generated by making a new one out of particle board.
Love your old furniture and have it repaired rather than dumping it. And should the time come that it is beyond your repair, give it away on craigslist.org.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Chilean Glacial Lake Disappears
I'm a science nut. I love science articles. If I read about something I look up more information on the Internet to find out all the details.
Today I read an article about a Lake in Chile that disappeared over the course of a few months. All of the scientists are up in arms about how it disappeared. There's been no earthquakes, so they cant imagine how fissures may have formed and allowed leakage of all the water. They are not yet sure there are fissures, but that's what they are researching at this point.
So I'm going to put out my educated guess. The fissures were there all along but they were blocked (or mostly blocked) by the glacier which has since melted to enough of a degree to really allow the water to start flowing, which hastened the melting and now all the water has run out.
We'll see what scientists come up with. Here's a link to one of the press stories.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19353905/
Kudos to MSNBC for the short URLs.
Today I read an article about a Lake in Chile that disappeared over the course of a few months. All of the scientists are up in arms about how it disappeared. There's been no earthquakes, so they cant imagine how fissures may have formed and allowed leakage of all the water. They are not yet sure there are fissures, but that's what they are researching at this point.
So I'm going to put out my educated guess. The fissures were there all along but they were blocked (or mostly blocked) by the glacier which has since melted to enough of a degree to really allow the water to start flowing, which hastened the melting and now all the water has run out.
We'll see what scientists come up with. Here's a link to one of the press stories.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19353905/
Kudos to MSNBC for the short URLs.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
being an employee these days
One of my friends was recently fired from his job over making a bad judgement call. I feel the entire thing is ridiculous. I know of several people over the past few years who were fired merely for making a few bad judgement calls.
I really don't understand businesses these days. They want to hire you already trained, they want you to be like an executive and make all of these judgement calls on your own and think badly of you if you ask too many questions. They tell you how they want you to behave, they throw the company policy book at you and then tell you to provide the best customer service possible. After a while on the job nearly everyone finds out the rules are a bunch of catch 22s and it's impossible to follow all of them and do your job.
I haven't decided if management does this because they are so completely out of touch of what's involved with the job or if they just want to leave you a bunch of pit falls so they have the excuse to fire you at their whim. You're bound to make a mistake or have to make a judgement call that doesn't fulfill all of your job requirements and that's reason for them to can you without unemployment benefits. And that's what gets me the most. Nearly everyone i know who's been fired for failure in judgement calls has been denied unemployment. In my state the employee pays 80% of the unemployment fund. So why does the employer have the right to put you in a position where there is no right answer and then they can fire you without employment? I just don't get it.
After all this now i see why many of my past supervisors took no action on anything. You would get complaints for not taking action but you didn't inadvertently break any rules or step on any toes by failing to take action. I hope business understands the environment they are creating.
I really don't understand businesses these days. They want to hire you already trained, they want you to be like an executive and make all of these judgement calls on your own and think badly of you if you ask too many questions. They tell you how they want you to behave, they throw the company policy book at you and then tell you to provide the best customer service possible. After a while on the job nearly everyone finds out the rules are a bunch of catch 22s and it's impossible to follow all of them and do your job.
I haven't decided if management does this because they are so completely out of touch of what's involved with the job or if they just want to leave you a bunch of pit falls so they have the excuse to fire you at their whim. You're bound to make a mistake or have to make a judgement call that doesn't fulfill all of your job requirements and that's reason for them to can you without unemployment benefits. And that's what gets me the most. Nearly everyone i know who's been fired for failure in judgement calls has been denied unemployment. In my state the employee pays 80% of the unemployment fund. So why does the employer have the right to put you in a position where there is no right answer and then they can fire you without employment? I just don't get it.
After all this now i see why many of my past supervisors took no action on anything. You would get complaints for not taking action but you didn't inadvertently break any rules or step on any toes by failing to take action. I hope business understands the environment they are creating.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Girl suspended for repeating what teacher said.
Today on the news I saw an interview with an 8th grader who repeated negative things (including swear words) she says her teacher had said to her and other students. The news channel had a poll as to whether or not people felt the girl should have been expelled/suspended for making the comments at the schools microphone after her choir solo.
Why is it important to get our opinions as to whether or not she should be suspended? I mean really. Our individual opinions on the disciplinary procedures of the school aren't particularly relavant. What should be relevant is what OTHER options the girl had available to her.
Did her and her mother write letters to the school? Did they file an official complaint? Did they get affidaviats from fellow students who had experienced the same thing? Why did they feel this was the only option available to them? This is what the important part of the news should be.
Come on, let's get some real news, not a bunch of opinions from people who haven't been informed of the true facts of the situation.
Why is it important to get our opinions as to whether or not she should be suspended? I mean really. Our individual opinions on the disciplinary procedures of the school aren't particularly relavant. What should be relevant is what OTHER options the girl had available to her.
Did her and her mother write letters to the school? Did they file an official complaint? Did they get affidaviats from fellow students who had experienced the same thing? Why did they feel this was the only option available to them? This is what the important part of the news should be.
Come on, let's get some real news, not a bunch of opinions from people who haven't been informed of the true facts of the situation.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
boys find money, dont receive reward
Due to a couple of comments I received, I realized my article may not be as clear as it should be, so I made a few edits to help clarify-NNR
I was reading an article yesterday about 2 boys who found a lot of cash and turned it in to the rightful owner. The city (i think, it was a bit unclear from the article) promised to put some reward money in an account for the boys for when they turned 18. No one can figure out if there was any reward money, if an account was ever created or who the reward money would have come from if there'd been a reward. No one is sure if the loser of the money put up a reward or if people in the community had donated to a reward fund.
So the kids and their mom's were very disapointed about being unable to find the reward money to help with college expenses. One boy went on about how he should have just kept the found money and used it to pay his mothers bills and how he didn't trust people any more because of not receiving the reward money.
I really couldn't believe the boys attitude. Rewards are a blessing if they work out, if not you have to be satisfied that you did the right thing. If he had said he was disapointed and upset because he was really looking foward to that money to help him pay for college, then I would have been happy to send him some money to make up for it, but instead he fell into a victim mentality. And from the article, it sounded like his mom was at least partly at fault for his opinion on the subject as she was very irate that he didn't get what she felt he was owed and everyone was being unfair to him.
So I'll say here what I would have told my son under these circumstances, "I'm sorry it didn't work out. It was a nice thought, but obviously something went wrong and there is no reward money. You pay for college on your own and I'm still very proud of you for doing the right thing."
I would never feed on my son's disapointment by pointing out how everyone has wronged him and has 'destroyed' his plans. I cant imagine that the reward would have been substantial enough to pay for much of college anyway. The boys found $4500 if my memory serves me correctly, I can't imagine the reward being enough to even pay for a year of community college, even after 5 or so years in an interest bearing account.
Turn this around mother, and teach your child that it doesn't matter what goes wrong, that he can fix this himself, or make an honest plea into investigation of the money. You're not a victim here, you just didn't make out ahead like you hoped.
I was reading an article yesterday about 2 boys who found a lot of cash and turned it in to the rightful owner. The city (i think, it was a bit unclear from the article) promised to put some reward money in an account for the boys for when they turned 18. No one can figure out if there was any reward money, if an account was ever created or who the reward money would have come from if there'd been a reward. No one is sure if the loser of the money put up a reward or if people in the community had donated to a reward fund.
So the kids and their mom's were very disapointed about being unable to find the reward money to help with college expenses. One boy went on about how he should have just kept the found money and used it to pay his mothers bills and how he didn't trust people any more because of not receiving the reward money.
I really couldn't believe the boys attitude. Rewards are a blessing if they work out, if not you have to be satisfied that you did the right thing. If he had said he was disapointed and upset because he was really looking foward to that money to help him pay for college, then I would have been happy to send him some money to make up for it, but instead he fell into a victim mentality. And from the article, it sounded like his mom was at least partly at fault for his opinion on the subject as she was very irate that he didn't get what she felt he was owed and everyone was being unfair to him.
So I'll say here what I would have told my son under these circumstances, "I'm sorry it didn't work out. It was a nice thought, but obviously something went wrong and there is no reward money. You pay for college on your own and I'm still very proud of you for doing the right thing."
I would never feed on my son's disapointment by pointing out how everyone has wronged him and has 'destroyed' his plans. I cant imagine that the reward would have been substantial enough to pay for much of college anyway. The boys found $4500 if my memory serves me correctly, I can't imagine the reward being enough to even pay for a year of community college, even after 5 or so years in an interest bearing account.
Turn this around mother, and teach your child that it doesn't matter what goes wrong, that he can fix this himself, or make an honest plea into investigation of the money. You're not a victim here, you just didn't make out ahead like you hoped.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
What to think about before getting Married.
A friend of mine has been expousing the benefits of arranged marriages. My mother in law wants my sister-in-law to give in to an arranged marriage. Not one where she's never met the guy and is ordered to marry him, but one where she meets the guy, goes on a few dates and then decides to go with it.
A neighbor of mine married her husband after just 6 months and at a very young age. It really shouldn't have worked, but it did.
So I was thinking, what works?
I don't really know, i'm just stating observations.
1. Knowing that both you and your partner have a commitment to make it work. This is not the same as a commitment to stick with it no matter what. When one partner knows you'll stick with it no matter what, they know it doesn't matter how they behave and they stop trying.
2. A realistic expectation. You know we're all human and you understand our imperfections and you know it won't be all roses and bon-bons. This keeps you from getting too down when things aren't so great. This is also where compromise comes in, you are willing to compromise because you have realistic expectations that a partnership is made of 2 people and you both can't always want or need exactly the same thing.
3. A willingness to change and knowing that your partner has a willingness to change. When one partner does all the changing and the other won't, there's an imbalance of power in the relationship and one person does all the giving and the other does all the expecting. Knowing that your partner is willing to change for you gives you the patience to hold out while the two of your work on changing together. Knowing that someone will change a bad habit for you makes you feel more than loved, you feel respected too.
4. Being truthful. You have to be truthful in a relationship or you're not being honest about what you need, what makes you happy, what the true state of your relationship is, or what your expectations of the other person are. It's a rude awakening when later you find out that your partner didn't tell you s/he didn't agree with all the things you thought you had already agreed upon. It's worse for a relationship to pretend everything is fine or feel like you have to put on a brave face and accept everything exactly the way it is. It's too lonely to feel a certain way and know your spouse has no clue about how you reall feel. You need to be truthful with your wants, needs and desires.
5 Communication. This includes being truthful, but it is more. You need to know that you are willing to accept communication from someone else before you get married. If you're set in your ways and you only want things to be 'just so,' then you're not willing to communicate. You're never going to hear your spouse, be able to relate to your spouse and you're always going to be unhappy that things aren't exactly the way you want them. You also need to know that your spouse is willing to accept communication from you. If your spouse is unwilling to accept communication from you then you have to decide if it's worth marrying someone who's like a brick wall.
6. Safety. Our spouses are the ones who can wound us the most. You need to feel that when you do all the above things that you are safe while doing them. If you are always cringing from critism, the threat of a fight, getting the cold shoulder etc... then you're not feeling safe in your relationship. Not feeling safe will cause you to emotionally withdraw so that you arent wounded as greatly when your safety is violated. If you emotionally withdraw, your relationship will stagnate, you may fall out of love and a myriad of problems develop. Many people who have been greatly hurt in their childhood and relationships emotionally withdraw from the beginning of a relationship and fail to ever fully engage in the relationship. Partners sometimes purposely violate your safety to keep you from speaking up and sometimes they are just oblivious to their actions. Knowing which is your circumstance can help you along the road of counseling. Knowing which you engage in, can help you create a safe environment for your spouses communication.
I really feel all the rest are just subchapters of the above.
Planning. Goals. Parenting. etc... will along come along much better if all the needs mentioned above are already being worked upon actively by both partners.
A neighbor of mine married her husband after just 6 months and at a very young age. It really shouldn't have worked, but it did.
So I was thinking, what works?
I don't really know, i'm just stating observations.
1. Knowing that both you and your partner have a commitment to make it work. This is not the same as a commitment to stick with it no matter what. When one partner knows you'll stick with it no matter what, they know it doesn't matter how they behave and they stop trying.
2. A realistic expectation. You know we're all human and you understand our imperfections and you know it won't be all roses and bon-bons. This keeps you from getting too down when things aren't so great. This is also where compromise comes in, you are willing to compromise because you have realistic expectations that a partnership is made of 2 people and you both can't always want or need exactly the same thing.
3. A willingness to change and knowing that your partner has a willingness to change. When one partner does all the changing and the other won't, there's an imbalance of power in the relationship and one person does all the giving and the other does all the expecting. Knowing that your partner is willing to change for you gives you the patience to hold out while the two of your work on changing together. Knowing that someone will change a bad habit for you makes you feel more than loved, you feel respected too.
4. Being truthful. You have to be truthful in a relationship or you're not being honest about what you need, what makes you happy, what the true state of your relationship is, or what your expectations of the other person are. It's a rude awakening when later you find out that your partner didn't tell you s/he didn't agree with all the things you thought you had already agreed upon. It's worse for a relationship to pretend everything is fine or feel like you have to put on a brave face and accept everything exactly the way it is. It's too lonely to feel a certain way and know your spouse has no clue about how you reall feel. You need to be truthful with your wants, needs and desires.
5 Communication. This includes being truthful, but it is more. You need to know that you are willing to accept communication from someone else before you get married. If you're set in your ways and you only want things to be 'just so,' then you're not willing to communicate. You're never going to hear your spouse, be able to relate to your spouse and you're always going to be unhappy that things aren't exactly the way you want them. You also need to know that your spouse is willing to accept communication from you. If your spouse is unwilling to accept communication from you then you have to decide if it's worth marrying someone who's like a brick wall.
6. Safety. Our spouses are the ones who can wound us the most. You need to feel that when you do all the above things that you are safe while doing them. If you are always cringing from critism, the threat of a fight, getting the cold shoulder etc... then you're not feeling safe in your relationship. Not feeling safe will cause you to emotionally withdraw so that you arent wounded as greatly when your safety is violated. If you emotionally withdraw, your relationship will stagnate, you may fall out of love and a myriad of problems develop. Many people who have been greatly hurt in their childhood and relationships emotionally withdraw from the beginning of a relationship and fail to ever fully engage in the relationship. Partners sometimes purposely violate your safety to keep you from speaking up and sometimes they are just oblivious to their actions. Knowing which is your circumstance can help you along the road of counseling. Knowing which you engage in, can help you create a safe environment for your spouses communication.
I really feel all the rest are just subchapters of the above.
Planning. Goals. Parenting. etc... will along come along much better if all the needs mentioned above are already being worked upon actively by both partners.
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Nothing's Cool Anymore
Didn't you know, there's nothing cool anymore. The word cool isn't even cool anymore. The word that's been cool since before Happy Days is no longer cool. Today's generations are being raised by TV that portrays everything as old stuff and worthless after just a few years. People talk about whether or not it's because kids' values have changed, or parents values or society is failing. Really it's just about consumerism. Companies want to always sell you something new. A new concept is needed every time you want to market something new. Contempt for the old is the easiest way to prove you're into the new.
One of the sad results of this trend is that it is no longer cool to be a kid. You're supposed to be always out having fun. Haven't you seen TV? Kids who's families are struggling say, "I'm a kid, I'm supposed to be out having fun, not working like this or worrying about that." But I can't figure out what they are out having fun doing because nothing fun is cool anymore. It's not cool to go to the roller rink, it's not cool to go out with your parents, it's not cool to go to the circus, it's not cool to go to the parade, it's not cool to do anything but stand around and talk about drinking and sex. Which of course leads to actually doing the drinking and sex as the kids get older. Of course it's fun to go out and hurt people, fun to vandalise and ok to do all sorts of things because you are bored, but it's not OK to go out and have fun with your parents because that is not cool.
Parents, please tell your kids tough crap and take them out. Yeah they are saying they don't want to be seen with you as they are testing their indpendence, but it's your job to prove to them that they are part of the family and you want them around. They want you to insist they come. It's kind of a reverse psychology. They want to push for independence, but when you don't force them to participate with the family, they feel lonely and left out. Damned if you, damned if you don't if you're the parent, but in the end, your kids will be happy that they knew you loved them enough to force them to come with you.
Also, force your kids to go do something not cool. Read a book, go to the library, go to the museum, go roller skating anything besides just standing around talking with friend, watching TV or playing video games. How on earth are they going to know what they like if they don't go out and try anything? Despite their toughness act, they are going to be chicken to go out and try new things, if you don't force them to go out and try the old things.
One of the sad results of this trend is that it is no longer cool to be a kid. You're supposed to be always out having fun. Haven't you seen TV? Kids who's families are struggling say, "I'm a kid, I'm supposed to be out having fun, not working like this or worrying about that." But I can't figure out what they are out having fun doing because nothing fun is cool anymore. It's not cool to go to the roller rink, it's not cool to go out with your parents, it's not cool to go to the circus, it's not cool to go to the parade, it's not cool to do anything but stand around and talk about drinking and sex. Which of course leads to actually doing the drinking and sex as the kids get older. Of course it's fun to go out and hurt people, fun to vandalise and ok to do all sorts of things because you are bored, but it's not OK to go out and have fun with your parents because that is not cool.
Parents, please tell your kids tough crap and take them out. Yeah they are saying they don't want to be seen with you as they are testing their indpendence, but it's your job to prove to them that they are part of the family and you want them around. They want you to insist they come. It's kind of a reverse psychology. They want to push for independence, but when you don't force them to participate with the family, they feel lonely and left out. Damned if you, damned if you don't if you're the parent, but in the end, your kids will be happy that they knew you loved them enough to force them to come with you.
Also, force your kids to go do something not cool. Read a book, go to the library, go to the museum, go roller skating anything besides just standing around talking with friend, watching TV or playing video games. How on earth are they going to know what they like if they don't go out and try anything? Despite their toughness act, they are going to be chicken to go out and try new things, if you don't force them to go out and try the old things.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Save People not pets
Yesterday I read yet another blog where the writer was upset because people were donating money to help Pale Male (hawk in New York) and not to more human causes. I was annoyed.
Why do people give to animals and not other people? People issues are societal issues. You cannot change this issues over night. You can save the animal overnight.
The other issue is that usually, the animal didn't have much to do with it's situation. Usually people were the cause of the situation. People start getting very sad about the negative effects we cause to GODs little creatures and they want to right the wrong someone else created.
Give people a break for helping the animals and not other people. At least they haven't given into the cynicism of today's world that things are only going to get worse.
Why do people give to animals and not other people? People issues are societal issues. You cannot change this issues over night. You can save the animal overnight.
The other issue is that usually, the animal didn't have much to do with it's situation. Usually people were the cause of the situation. People start getting very sad about the negative effects we cause to GODs little creatures and they want to right the wrong someone else created.
Give people a break for helping the animals and not other people. At least they haven't given into the cynicism of today's world that things are only going to get worse.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Judge Greg Mathis
I was watching Judge Greg Mathis and he state a phrase I thought was so very important.
People buy what they want and beg for what they need.
This is the philosphophy of a lot of young people today. When they have money, they buy what ever they want, and put all the current and future expenses aside. Then they have to beg, borrow or steal the remainder of money they need.
This is a situation of instant gratification and monetary insecurity. These people either are used to a life where they get instant gratification or are afraid their money situation will always (or has always) deprived them of their desires. They are going to get what they can, while they can, and screw the consequences because they are always going to be poor irregardless.
This philosophy is undercutting the quality of life of a lot of people. It is the bane of modern America. Parent's, please be aware of the existence of this mentality and give your children an allowance and teach them about money. If you can't be an example for them, please enroll them in classes. They need to have a bright future.
People buy what they want and beg for what they need.
This is the philosphophy of a lot of young people today. When they have money, they buy what ever they want, and put all the current and future expenses aside. Then they have to beg, borrow or steal the remainder of money they need.
This is a situation of instant gratification and monetary insecurity. These people either are used to a life where they get instant gratification or are afraid their money situation will always (or has always) deprived them of their desires. They are going to get what they can, while they can, and screw the consequences because they are always going to be poor irregardless.
This philosophy is undercutting the quality of life of a lot of people. It is the bane of modern America. Parent's, please be aware of the existence of this mentality and give your children an allowance and teach them about money. If you can't be an example for them, please enroll them in classes. They need to have a bright future.
All About Allowances
Children should get a reasonable amount of allowance starting about age 5. They should be required to save 50% of the money. They should be allowed to spend a portion after that and donate a very small portion to charity.
When they have spent all of their money, they shouldn't be allowed to borry any more or have mom or dad buy them what they want. This teaches them that they are responsible for their money, their decisions and their wants and desires.
In order for this to work, mom & dad cannot be purchasing everything the child wants. Mom and Dad should save purchases for Birthdays, Christmas (or other religious holiday), back to school shopping & special occasions. The occasional fun purchase from mom and/or dad is fine too. If you buy everything your child wants, when they want it, the allowance does no good.
You need clear guidelines as to what your child is responsible for paying for. Ideally you shouldnt expect your child to pay for necessities like school lunch, necessary clothes and any other expenses that you would expect a parent to have to pay for.
Your child should be expected to pay for: cell phone calls & text messages to friends, fun stuff for school (within reason), dances, fashion clothes that they desire, games, dates, etc...
This list is negotiable, but parents should decide on a budget for what the parent expects to pay for and what is expected for the child to pay. If a parent feels that they should pay for 1 sport a term, or they agree to pay for 5 dances out of the year, or they parent pays for the cell phone because it's on a plan where they child cannot exceed the basic charges, then that's OK.
What you are trying to avoid is purchasing everything your child desires and giving them money to squander. I hate to use the term squander, but it's a very important lesson for children to learn that money doesn't go on trees.
If your child has an allowance and they have to make choices about what to buy and what to pass up because they want something else more, it teaches them about how life is going to be when they are working and paying for their own expenses.
The decision making process is very important for children to learn.
It's also very handy for it not to be mom & dad's fault and it relieves mom & dad from always having to say no.
No I can't/won't buy that for you today Versus It's too bad you didn't save any of your allowance money, you'll have to wait until next week/month and purchase it later. It sure lets Mom & Dad off the hook.
When they have spent all of their money, they shouldn't be allowed to borry any more or have mom or dad buy them what they want. This teaches them that they are responsible for their money, their decisions and their wants and desires.
In order for this to work, mom & dad cannot be purchasing everything the child wants. Mom and Dad should save purchases for Birthdays, Christmas (or other religious holiday), back to school shopping & special occasions. The occasional fun purchase from mom and/or dad is fine too. If you buy everything your child wants, when they want it, the allowance does no good.
You need clear guidelines as to what your child is responsible for paying for. Ideally you shouldnt expect your child to pay for necessities like school lunch, necessary clothes and any other expenses that you would expect a parent to have to pay for.
Your child should be expected to pay for: cell phone calls & text messages to friends, fun stuff for school (within reason), dances, fashion clothes that they desire, games, dates, etc...
This list is negotiable, but parents should decide on a budget for what the parent expects to pay for and what is expected for the child to pay. If a parent feels that they should pay for 1 sport a term, or they agree to pay for 5 dances out of the year, or they parent pays for the cell phone because it's on a plan where they child cannot exceed the basic charges, then that's OK.
What you are trying to avoid is purchasing everything your child desires and giving them money to squander. I hate to use the term squander, but it's a very important lesson for children to learn that money doesn't go on trees.
If your child has an allowance and they have to make choices about what to buy and what to pass up because they want something else more, it teaches them about how life is going to be when they are working and paying for their own expenses.
The decision making process is very important for children to learn.
It's also very handy for it not to be mom & dad's fault and it relieves mom & dad from always having to say no.
No I can't/won't buy that for you today Versus It's too bad you didn't save any of your allowance money, you'll have to wait until next week/month and purchase it later. It sure lets Mom & Dad off the hook.
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