A friend of mine has been expousing the benefits of arranged marriages. My mother in law wants my sister-in-law to give in to an arranged marriage. Not one where she's never met the guy and is ordered to marry him, but one where she meets the guy, goes on a few dates and then decides to go with it.
A neighbor of mine married her husband after just 6 months and at a very young age. It really shouldn't have worked, but it did.
So I was thinking, what works?
I don't really know, i'm just stating observations.
1. Knowing that both you and your partner have a commitment to make it work. This is not the same as a commitment to stick with it no matter what. When one partner knows you'll stick with it no matter what, they know it doesn't matter how they behave and they stop trying.
2. A realistic expectation. You know we're all human and you understand our imperfections and you know it won't be all roses and bon-bons. This keeps you from getting too down when things aren't so great. This is also where compromise comes in, you are willing to compromise because you have realistic expectations that a partnership is made of 2 people and you both can't always want or need exactly the same thing.
3. A willingness to change and knowing that your partner has a willingness to change. When one partner does all the changing and the other won't, there's an imbalance of power in the relationship and one person does all the giving and the other does all the expecting. Knowing that your partner is willing to change for you gives you the patience to hold out while the two of your work on changing together. Knowing that someone will change a bad habit for you makes you feel more than loved, you feel respected too.
4. Being truthful. You have to be truthful in a relationship or you're not being honest about what you need, what makes you happy, what the true state of your relationship is, or what your expectations of the other person are. It's a rude awakening when later you find out that your partner didn't tell you s/he didn't agree with all the things you thought you had already agreed upon. It's worse for a relationship to pretend everything is fine or feel like you have to put on a brave face and accept everything exactly the way it is. It's too lonely to feel a certain way and know your spouse has no clue about how you reall feel. You need to be truthful with your wants, needs and desires.
5 Communication. This includes being truthful, but it is more. You need to know that you are willing to accept communication from someone else before you get married. If you're set in your ways and you only want things to be 'just so,' then you're not willing to communicate. You're never going to hear your spouse, be able to relate to your spouse and you're always going to be unhappy that things aren't exactly the way you want them. You also need to know that your spouse is willing to accept communication from you. If your spouse is unwilling to accept communication from you then you have to decide if it's worth marrying someone who's like a brick wall.
6. Safety. Our spouses are the ones who can wound us the most. You need to feel that when you do all the above things that you are safe while doing them. If you are always cringing from critism, the threat of a fight, getting the cold shoulder etc... then you're not feeling safe in your relationship. Not feeling safe will cause you to emotionally withdraw so that you arent wounded as greatly when your safety is violated. If you emotionally withdraw, your relationship will stagnate, you may fall out of love and a myriad of problems develop. Many people who have been greatly hurt in their childhood and relationships emotionally withdraw from the beginning of a relationship and fail to ever fully engage in the relationship. Partners sometimes purposely violate your safety to keep you from speaking up and sometimes they are just oblivious to their actions. Knowing which is your circumstance can help you along the road of counseling. Knowing which you engage in, can help you create a safe environment for your spouses communication.
I really feel all the rest are just subchapters of the above.
Planning. Goals. Parenting. etc... will along come along much better if all the needs mentioned above are already being worked upon actively by both partners.
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Ya know, how long a couple should date is really related to how they were raised. Orthodox Judaism works very similar to what your mother-in-law is suggesting. A "shidduch" (match) is suggested, the couple goes on a date to see if there is potential. By the third date the couple should be deciding if there is a potential match for marriage. If so they keep dating to pursue things, if not they move on. None of these 4 year going nowhere relationships that no one will break off....It does not mean that the couple will get married, but an Orthodox couple usually will date for just a few months, maybe 6 before getting engaged. It is usually pretty successful, but just like in secular relationships people can misrepresent themselves and wind up divorced a few months or years later too.
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